Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the way in which I want to raise my children, in hindsight my views on child raising have changed tremendously from the time I was pregnant with Ayan to now being a mother of two children. Not only am I a mother of two children but I am blessed to be a mother of a boy and a girl, along with this blessing, I feel comes great responsibility, as the days go by and my beautiful children grow with each passing day, I find myself wondering about the future. Curious about how they will look like, what they will be when they are older, what their favourite subjects at school will be, what will their first boyfriends and girlfriends will look like. Just all the fun and crazy stuff that most mothers think of but will rarely admit to, but you know me, no filter here, unless it’s on instagram…of course.
My daughter is the closest soul to me since I graced the earth with my presence, I don’t know if it’s our star signs, our personalities or whatever you would like to believe in, but my energy and hers are so in sync and never has a being loved me as much as this little being loves me (I know I’m lucky right). Everywhere I am, you will find her there too, in my arms, hanging around my legs, playing with my make up, putting her hands in my plate, today she was taking out my fresh washing out the basket onto the floor, as I was trying to put them to dry. And all of a sudden as I was methodically putting the washing to dry her playful presence misted into the distance and thoughts started flying into my head, how will it be when we finally have to separate? Will we suffer? Will she blossom from my branch into her own flower? How will she deal with heartbreak? How will my daughter see herself in the future? How will she present herself to her first boyfriend? How much self esteem will she have? How will she see into her inner self?
You see, I am a mother of only 24 years old, it wasn’t long ago I was a confused teenager, lost, with no guidance, no healthy relationship models in my life, except for the ones which I found myself. I remember the confusion like it was yesterday, the confusion of love and self being, the fogginess of a kiss and not tell the next day, the heartbreaking mist of what it felt like to not know what was wrong with me when a guy treated me bad. As I’ve grown up I’ve slowly, slowly pushed the painful memories to the back of my head, suppressing them as though they never really happened, because at the end of the day, that’s what we are taught to do by the people around us and by civilization right?
It is so rare a woman opens up her wounds after she has haphazardly sewn them in her younger days, why is that? All that leads to is generations upon generations of confused hearts always wondering what’s wrong with them in response to an external consequence.
So lesson one to my babygirl is going to be about those stolen kisses, those kisses with those who love her and also with those who don’t. I came across recently this conversation with a close friend after meeting with a guy she liked, he never called, so she started wondering what was wrong with her. What had she done wrong? Was she not pretty enough? Was she not a good enough kisser? Was her personality miserable?
I said nothing, I merely comforted my friend, yet now I wish I could go back and tell her the things I will proceed to tell my daughter..
If you kiss someone and they don’t call you, then that is no reason to self attack or self judge. It doesn’t mean that something was wrong with you, it is not a reflection of your inadequacies, because my love, you have none, you have differences, some which are accepted and others which are declined by those around you. And that is okay. We don’t have to like everyone around us right? This is the same, if someone doesn’t call you back, whatever the circumstance may be, this is not a reflection of you but a reflection of that person, it is they who is lost in the stormy mess of thoughts with which they cannot be honest with. It is a reflection of their taste and their dislikes and their personal preferences, it is a reflection of how they view the world and you within it…after all, it is THEY who did not get back to you. So love freely my darling, be wild but never ask yourself why someone else left you with unanswered questions, it is ironically, merely a question with which you will have to ask them.