1. Morning Sickness
Morning sickness is all day sickness, morning sickness actually means all day and all night sickness. Whoever came up with the term ‘morning sickness’ obviously lied. The thing with this ‘morning sickness’ that we hear about before pregnancy is that it actually hits at any time of day, sometimes all day, every day, accompanied by dry heaving, gagging, actually throwing up. Sometimes this ‘morning sickness’ is so bad that the only time you get a break from it is when you’re sleeping, oh but wait, point number…
From the moment you find out that you’re pregnant you may spend many of your nights awake, at the beginning you’ll just assume that it’s because you’re so excited at the wonderful news, but as the days go on, you begin to notice that you are never sleeping, you don’t care about the reasons why and frankly you just want some damn sleep.
3. FDW Syndrome
You expected this to hit you only later on in the pregnancy but actually it seems to have hit you now and you’ve only just found out that you are pregnant, what?! If you’re wondering what FDW Syndrome stands for – Fat Deflated Whale Syndrome. You used to be the most active non-lazy person, but now everything has changed. Whilst you may not have gained any weight, for some reason you still feel fat, lazy and whale like. You have absolutely no will to do anything in life except for chill on the couch, consume carbs to get rid of the nausea, and pray your way into second trimester. (I know none of us actually do that, but a girl can dream right?)
4. Pregnancy Bloat
Technically speaking we don’t actually start looking pregnant until the end of the first trimester due to the fact that our uterus only rises out of the pelvic cavity around week 11. Lies. You actually have started looking 5 months pregnant even though you’re only 7 weeks gone. Thanks to pregnancy hormonal changes you have a bloat, a bloat that is so round and bump like you’re considering switching to maternity clothes already.
You have an increased sense of everything. Everything feels so tight (doesn’t make sense, because you actually haven’t gained any weight, but hey, it’s pregnancy, nothing makes sense). Clothes feel like they get tighter the more you move, you either live in your partner’s clothes, or you wish you could walk around naked – but for fear of being arrested you don’t do that. NB. underwear is totally an unneccesary feature in your life, why have you been wearing it until now?
Growing this poppy seed (size at 4 weeks pregnancy) into a lime (size at 12 weeks pregnancy) is a tiring task. Whilst you may not have announced your joyful news yet, you are yawning your way through work meetings, and conversations with friends and family, making yourself seem like a heartless, uninterested, tired A-hole.
7. Hating your dog
All of a sudden your dog will have this smell which you could swear he/she never had before. You’ll consider giving him up for adoption purely because you can’t stand the smell. (Okay, a little exaggerated but really, did our dogs always smell this way?)
8. Hiring a personal slave
You find that due to your lack of ability to do anything, you hire a personal slave and you don’t pay them. Sometimes you will refer to this slave as ‘husband, boyfriend, partner.’ but for the majority part of the time he is your slave and your wish will be his command otherwise you are getting a divorce.
9. You are a cry-baby
You are definitely not the type of woman to cry in front of others, or cry at bambi (bambi isn’t even that cute, c’mon). Now all of a sudden you’re bawling your eyes out at anything you deem ‘cute’. Like puppies, or babies, or you know, the fact that your husband looked cute whilst driving you to the supermarkets and you realise at precisely that moment that you’re just so in love with him and for some reason now you’re crying about it like a baby – making him in turn wonder what he did wrong this time.
10. No symptoms at all
You meet some fellow pregnant women who don’t seem to suffer any of the symptoms you are having, or in fact any symptoms at all. So you then come to this conclusion
- they are aliens, or something else but definitely not human and you definitely cannot relate to them
- these symptoms simply must hit them at some point in the upcoming weeks, if not, there is something wrong with them (in reality some women really just have a wonderful first trimester and yes we hate them)
- you must cease all conversation with them because they for sure cannot understand you and they do not belong in the ‘first trimester club’ if they’re so happy then please, they should just skip onto second trimester. (Yes, we are jealous of you, and no we have nothing to speak about until we reach second trimester.)